It has been a long time…

It has been well over a year since I last posted on here which is terrible. I apologize from the bottom of my heart for my lack of updates. Why have a blog if I am not even going to post? I ask myself that a lot! Some days, I would start a post and just… not know what to say. It would start to sound fake and scripted, which is not what I want this blog to be about!

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So, I would just leave it.. with hopes that I would come back later and have some inspiration. That inspiration never arrived. I was dealing with severe anxiety/panic attacks/insomnia/depression that really took over my life. I was working a job that left me broken and emotionally abused on a daily basis. People don’t seem to realize that when you work in a call center, you have no control over what you can do for your customers. Your hands are tied by the company and that didn’t make the person working an idiot/stupid/bitch/monster/incompetent/etc. Those words, being told to you day in and day out, leave you feeling wilted and small. It finally got me to the point where I was literally getting sick thinking about going to work everyday. I’d either pass out, vomit or hyperventilate as I drove to work. Not a good thing! So, I quit. I was unable to work for months upon months.. I still am unable to work long periods of time without panicking because old memories/feelings would come back up. It is AWFUL.

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That being said, my new job is much better as the verbal abuse is nearly all gone. It will never be completely gone whenever you have to deal with the public but.. I cannot change other people. Mentally, I have a lot of work to be done. Physically… I am also in need of a lot of work. I gained a lot of weight dealing with my depression, panic attacks, etc. because I would gorge myself when I was stressed/anxious/etc. I have always been a comfort eater and that is a bad, bad thing. Now, I am back to ground zero and trying really hard to dig myself out of this unhealthy hole that I put myself into. There is just one tiny hitch… a new life event has reared it’s ugly head.

Yep. Of course! Why wouldn’t it?

My father was in a very bad car accident after he passed out on his way back from a doctor appointment regarding a lung infection. Just a simple little doctor’s appointment that he decided he wanted to go to by himself. He blacked out at the wheel, SUV drove off of the road, through 3 barbed wire fences, through a culvert which caused his SUV to roll a few times and stopped just before a forest of trees. Luckily, he escaped without any injury minus 5 stitches on his pinky finger. It also brought attention to a mass in his right lung which turned out to be the ugly ‘C’ monster…

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Ugh! My father was diagnosed with small cell carcinoma in his right lung. He is now undergoing chemo/radiation 5 days a week for 7 weeks in hopes to make it go away since it is an aggressive cancer. It was caused by his many (my whole life and more) years of smoking. Do not smoke. Ever. It has been a ugly, terrifying and cruel whirlwind these past few weeks (this happened August 15th) and I know it will just get better or worse from here. I will hopefully keep you all updated with everything from my diet/weightloss to my life events. Please excuse me if I go silent as life may be overbearing and I am hiding under covers.. but I am still here and I am still on this journey!

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